How to Write a Horoscope Poem
By Jane Cassady

  1. Feel free to attribute any or all of this process to magic.
  2. Start with the dates of each of the twelve signs.
  3. No need to consult astrological charts of any kind.
  4. Think about everyone you know and what their signs are. Is there anyone who could use some comfort or encouragement? Write that. Go ahead and gush in ways you might not in real life.
  5. Has anyone you know said or quoted anything particularly brilliant lately? Write it down and respond to it, under their sign.
  6. What’s happening in pop culture and how would you like to respond? What’s everybody up to on the Must See TV lately? Turn that into more advice.
  7. What would you most like to hear? Make that your own horoscope.
  8. Believe it.

Poetic License Horoscope for March 18-24
By Jane Cassady

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20): “If you see something you love, you’ve just gotta get it, and eat it.” (Shappy Seasholtz) This quote was inspired by coconut cream pie, but it can also be applied to your biggest, deepest meringue-cloud wishes. Get it. And eat it.

Aries (March 21-April 18): Sometimes I like to pretend that something is a big magical mystery for a while before I realize that I can just Google it. Research is magic, too. Know your true self by your search terms, or just look at pictures of kittens.

Taurus (April 19-May 18): “What we think about ourselves and our possibilities determines what we aspire to become.”(Robert Frank) Add to your own thoughts the screams of your adoring fans, your mom and dad’s opinion on their best day, and, of course, the stars; we just think that you’re the bee’s knees.

Gemini (May 19-June 21): You’re in one of those dreams where you keep finding more and more rooms in your house—where did this extra parlor come from? Why is this ceiling painted like waves? What are these algorhithms painted on the windows? Why won’t this top stop spinning?

Cancer (June 22-July 23):  When the Big Love series ends next week, I have this wish that Margene (the most liberated sisterwife) would come to Philadelphia and pal around with me. Which adorable fictional characters would you invite into your life, and why?

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): I’m sorry if you are still singing to the music of a long commute. There’s work closer to home, soon, I promise. Imagine your life on two tokens a day, instead of measured out in gas tanks.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): (SPOILER ALERT) Congratulations to Kurt from Glee on his first romantic kiss with a guy. The stars are taking this to mean that all of our cute love-wishes are about to come true. Bury your broken songs in a festive ceremony and ready yourself for duets.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 21): Write a thousand hymns to what’s missing. Make a scale model of the Universe out of cut paper. Stand in the middle and yearn.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 22): I used to slip ashtrays into my pocket to remember every diner I loved, and then sit in the middle of that plunder and smoke. Do whatever is the healthier version of that. Send me a picture of your wholesome souvenirs.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): “You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” (Eleanor Roosevelt) Rethink your limitations, even if it’s just to change the color of your scarf, your ink. Know that you are the pretty thing you always talk about in everybody else.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): At my church we used to light candles each week, to celebrate a joy or mark a sorrow. Recently they changed it to dropping a stone into water, and I don’t like that at all. Give yourself a little gift of warmth, a little time to think.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19):  You are an aquarium of lost things, attachments and unattachements floating by in lovely, unattainable colors. 1. Don’t tap on the glass. 2. Look and see who’s standing next to you, out of the water.

Jane Cassady writes pop-culture horoscopes for the Philadelphia City Paper’s Arts and Culture blog, Critical Mass, and also for The Legendary. She writes a blog about happiness, love and pop-culture called The Serotonin Factory. She is the Slam Mistress of the Philadelphia Poetry Slam. Her poems have appeared in The November 3rd Club, The Comstock Review, Valley of the Contemporary Poets, and other journals.